Hardware in Mixed Company
by Alteng
Summary: The crossover that everyone has waited for (not really)! Doctor Who meets Star Wars. What happens when the Doctor lands on Tatooine and is mistaken for Luke Skywalker.


This is a story that my friend Beth and I wrote some time ago, because we had a mutual friend, who wanted to write a Dr. Who/ Star Wars crossover. Well, this was not what he intended. This story was funny at the time, but that was some 15 years ago, so it's not all that great. Actually, it shows we were really young then.  
  
Anyway, if anyone wants this story and can make it actually funny, go for it!  
  
Hardware in Mixed Company  
  
Chapter 1  
  
the trio stumbled out of the dazzling sunlight into the cool dark recesses of the bar. Steeping over the threshold, the fifth Doctor attempted to explain to his companions. "The TARDIS seems to have been blown slightly off course," he offered reasonably. "I'm sure it's only a minor malfunction. As soon as we discover when and where we are, we can be off again."  
  
A strident Australian voice, belonging to the red haired companion Tegan, said in an exasperated tone, "So, what else is new? We never get where we're going! What's wrong now?"  
"That turbulence we experienced seems to have been caused by a minor disturbance in the time vortex. It altered our course, you see," the Doctor continued in an easy tone.  
  
"Perhaps it was a wrinkle in the time continuum, Doctor?" asked Nyssa, the pretty brown haired scientist of the group.  
  
"Or a rip in the very fabric of time and space itself?" added the exasperated Tegan in a sarcastic tone.  
  
"Yes, something like that," replied the Doctor distractedly. His attention was focused on the bar at the other end of the room.  
  
For the first time since they had entered the room, the three travelers noticed the odd array of the alien beings crowded around the tables, sidling up to the bar. The two girls were startled to see so many alien types, that they had not seen before in their travels with the Doctor, and they had seen many a different kind of lifeform.  
  
The Doctor headed for the bar. Tegan lunged forward and grabbed his arm. "Oh no you don't! We're here to find out when and where we are. That's all! I don't want to get involved in anything else, especially with these . . . " She inclined her head to indicate the clientele, who looked like trouble to her.  
  
"Oh, come now. just one round for hospitality's sake!" pleaded the Doctor. He, for one, was rather parched after their long trek into the spaceport, though he'd never admit it. Besides that, he rarely had the opportunity to do a little socializing.  
  
But Tegan was adamant, and she accompanied the Doctor to the bar to make sure her orders were followed to the letter. The pair sidled through the throngs of aliens carefully finding themselves at the bar. A few moments later, they caught the bartender's eye and he came over.  
  
"Whaddya want?" growled the scaly, three armed bartender.  
  
"Information," offered Tegan brightly, "You couldn't tell us just exactly what planet and time period we're in, could you?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"She means what spaceport and date it is," the Doctor prompted, turning on the charm, "You see, we had to make an emergency landing, and all our instruments are out and . . ."  
  
"Go away! I've got paying customers!" the bartender growled.  
  
The Doctor turned triumphantly to Tegan. "You see, we'll have to order. Otherwise, he won't give us the information we need." He smiled contentedly.  
  
"Well, maybe I can get someone else to tell us," she countered.  
  
"I wouldn't do that," advised the Doctor, but it was too late. Tegan turned to the nearest alien and asked brightly if he . . .er . . . she . . . uh . . . it (?) could give them any information about their whereabouts.  
  
The answer came back in a garbled alien tongue. "What did he say, Doctor?" The Doctor's face colored.  
  
The Doctor looked distinctly uncomfortable. "He didn't answer your question. he asked one of his own."  
  
"Well?" she insisted.  
  
"How much?" the time lord admitted. "The problem, I don't know if he propositioning you or me."  
  
The pair quickly turned from the bar and attempted to move through the crowd back to where Nyssa awaited them. As they finally broke through the throng, the Doctor noticed a tall alien talking to the Trakenite while running its tentacles over several questionable parts of her anatomy. The time lord smothered an exclamation from his Australian companion and bounded to Nyssa.  
  
"Nyssa!" he cried in a shock voice, then fought to assume a more controlled tone. "Nyssa, you must come with us. We're leaving." By now, Tegan had joined them in the doorway.  
  
"Hello, Doctor, Tegan! You know, that alien came over to me and started talking to me, and I couldn't understand a word he said! He seemed awfully nice, though," Nyssa answered calmly, "Did you find the information we need?"  
  
"No," the Doctor replied. "We were just going out to see if we could find someone a little more helpful. Surely, someone will talk to us. Come along."  
  
They turned towards the exit, and suddenly a couple of people ran straight into them. Actually, it was a large, 8 foot tall, furry alien and a man. The fleeing pair reeled back, and in lieu of apologies, the man cried, "Luke! How did you get back here? Come on, they're after us!" He pulled a blaster out and turned to shoot his pursuers. "That way! Out back!"  
The Doctor, Nyssa, and Tegan were too shocked to answer and were bundled off to the exit by the furry alien. "Wha . . ." Tegan turned to complain, but received a slight shove. They kept moving.  
  
Fighting erupted in the bar as a troop of plastic coated men appeared in the doorway and began to shoot at the fleeing group. They ducked and weaved to avoid energy bolts, but one grazed the Doctor's head as he stumbled on the littered floor. "Ow!" cried the Doctor as he clutched his head. Then he collapsed to the floor.  
  
  
  
The Doctor awoke some time later to find himself hunched up on a couch on a rather dirty space ship. He was covered with a scummy green blanket. Oh God, he thought, my head hurts! He decided to go back to sleep, but just then, Tegan noticed he was awake, and came over to him, braying "Hi, Doc! Feeling better?"  
  
I was until you showed up, thought the Doctor to himself. "Yes, thank you," he replied, struggling to sit up. Achieving this, he slumped heavily against the naugahyde couch cushions, and nursed his aching head.  
  
"Feeling better, Luke?" came a voice from the corridor. An ill dressed man came into the room, followed by a rather scuzzy furball, who the Doctor noticed smelled remarkably like Jamie. Smiling broadly, Nyssa followed the pair.  
  
The Doctor was confused. How did he get here? Why was he here, and why was this man calling him Luke.  
  
"Hey, Luke, I thought you were on the rebel planet. Whatcha been doing with yourself or need I ask?" The man grinned evilly and shot a knowing look at Nyssa and Tegan. "Taking 'em on two at a time now, eh? Not a bad catch. For you, that is. Hope Leia doesn't know about this. Otherwise, she'll finish the job the stormtroppers didn't on you!" He turned to the two girls, "Hey, babes, got any sisters left at home?"  
  
Nyssa just smiled and shook her head. Tegan elbowed her and glared at this man.  
  
The Doctor was still confused. Luke? Leia? And just who were these people? He decided to find a few answers to these questions. "Hello, I don't believe we have met. I'm the Doctor."  
  
The man's mouth dropped and the furry alien howled in disbelief. "Luke, it's your old buddy Han!" He leaned forward and clapped his hands on the Doctor's shoulders. "You remember me and Chewie here, don't you?"  
  
The Doctor removed his hands from his shoulders and looked at the pair. Ransacking his extensively long and sometimes accurate memory, he came up with a blank. "No, I'm sorry, but I have never seen you before in my lives," he replied honestly. "But I am pleased to meet you. I'm called the Doctor, and these are my travelling companions, Nyssa and Tegan . . ."  
  
"Yes, I know," smiled the man smarmily. "We've already met."  
  
The Doctor was taken aback, but controlled himself, and continued. "I'd like to thank you for saving us, but I am not sure why we needed saving at that moment . . ."  
  
"The stormtroopers, Luke, the stormtroopers! They spotted me and Chewie back on Tatooine to settle a few debts and were chasing us. We ran into the club and right into you! Well, naturally, if they were on the lookout for me, they were probably looking for you, too . . ."  
"Me?" replied the Doctor.  
  
"Us?" chorused the girls.  
  
"Well, for Luke, at least," Han told the girls. "Being a rebel and all . . . "  
  
Chewie howled.  
  
"Uh," corrected Han quickly, realizing like Chebacca, that these girls might not be rebels. "Yeah, being a real rabble rouser and all. Boy oh boy, does Luke like to go all out and rouse a little rabble!" Han's excuse sounded feeble, and it was. The girls regarded him coolly.   
  
"Perhaps they were looking for your friend Luke, but not for me," the Doctor stated firmly. "I'm not Luke. I told you, I'm the Doctor."  
  
Han and Chewie considered it between themselves. "It was the laser bolt," Han decided. Chewie grunted in agreement. Han leaned back and patted the Doctor's shoulder comfortingly. "Now now, Luke you've just got a little amnesia from that laser shot. 'Course, it could have been when Chewie dropped you on your head . . . Anyway, nothing to worry about. Just lay back and rest."   
  
"But he is the Doctor! " Nyssa interjected.  
  
"You pretty little thing, do you always believe everything he tells you? 'Doctor'? I've used that one a couple of times myself."  
  
"But he is the Doctor!" insisted Tegan loudly. We've traveled with him for some time now! And we're not that type of women!"  
  
"Now, you either are really gullible, or else you've got amnesia as well," said Han, throwing up his hands in disgust. Chewie howled, and Han listened intently, nodding in agreement. "You're right, it could be a trap! The Empire could have caught and brainwashed them all! But we don't know about these girls. They could be spies of the Emperor. There's only one thing to do."  
  
Tegan and Nyssa found themselves being marched down a corridor by Han Solo by blaster point. Motioning them to stop, Han leaned over, his gun still trained on them, and pulled up a grate from the floor.  
  
"In you go," he motioned as he spoke. "You two will just have to sit down here in the spice hold while we make the trip to . . ."  
  
The girls looked up at him.  
  
"Almost caught me, eh?" he chuckled. "Not old Han. he's too fast for you! I'll let you out when we get there." He replaced the grate and set a large crate on top of it to prevent the girls' escape.  
  
Meanwhile, the Doctor sat up on the couch, guarded by an 8 foot wookie. He didn't like the way things were going, but he didn't fancy wrestling this monkey to get around to doing something about them.  
  
Han returned from his task. The Doctor looked at him. "What did you do to my companions?" he asked anxiously, concern evident about them.  
  
"Calm down, Luke. They're fine. They'll be safe and out of harm's way in the hold until we arrive at the rebel planet. And I didn't do anything to them!" Han explained.  
  
The Doctor said nothing.   
  
"Now, back to the rebel planet, and a rendezvous with Leia . . ." Han said, then added quickly, "And the rest of the Rebel Alliance, of course! Uh, Luke, you wouldn't happen to know where the rebel planet is, would you?"  
  
The Doctor sighed, and began his story all over again. "I've told you that I'm not Luke. I'm the Doctor. As for your rebel planet, I can't tell you where it is, because I don't know. I don't know why I am here, how I got here, why you locked my companions up, or where we're going! So, why don't you give me a few answers?"  
Chewie howled and patted the Doctor's head sorrowfully. "Poor kid," Han agreed. The Doctor sighed.  
  
"They must have really done a job on you, Luke. Still, I imagine there is something Princess Leia can do to bring you around. For a princess, she has many interesting talents!" Han smiled at the thought, then his smile faded. "That is if we can find the rebel planet."  
  
Once again, Chewie howled and knocked Han soundly. He howled again in disgust, and grunted to Han.  
  
"Oh, so you know where the rebel planet is, you big furball?" sneered Han, "Why didn't you say so?"  
  
Chewie grunted and howled.  
  
"What do you mean Princess Leia told me where the rebel planet is, and then I told you? I don't remember . . . "  
  
Chewie threw back his head in disgust and HOWLED!  
  
"Oh yeah, yeah, you're right. You know when she told me the coordinates, I was rather occupied."  
  
Chewie howled and headed for the controls. "Yeah, you go and do that, Chewie. I'll be up in a up in a minute," Han replied, and he turned to the Doctor. "Yeah, kid, they really did a number on you. Stupid clothes. Why, if I didn't recognize that baby face of yours, nobody's ever know you, Luke! They even took you lightsaber! Oh well, we'll get you back to the rebel planet and Leia will fix you right up. So, you just lay back and relax. We'll soon get you tucked in at the rebel base." Han patted the Doctor's shoulder reassuringly, smiled, then turned and walked off with Chewie.  
  
With a dejected look on his face, the Doctor sat on the couch. What had he gotten himself into now? What was going on? How would he and his companions get out of this one? And who was this Leia? Would she make a good companion? Could he trade Tegan in for her? All these questions made the Doctor's head hurt all the more, so he dismissed them, laid down, and went back to sleep. 


End file.
